Current affairs

Today is National “OMG Make It Stop” Day


Yesterday was National Chewing Gum Day. No, really it was.  A day for us Americans to honor and celebrate the great tradition that is chewing gum.  Blowing bubbles, spitting it out on the street, sticking it to a chair…all time-honored traditions.

Earlier this week was National Coffee Day; you know, that thing you drink every single day. A few weeks ago it was National Talk Like a Pirate Day. It’s out of hand.  National Daughter’s Day was last week (or whenever) and if you checked out your Facebook page, you undoubtedly saw many of your friends with daughters posting photos of their kids as if they had never ever — not even the day before — posted a photo of their kids.  Before you jump all over me, my friends with daughters, I absolutely would have posted a photo of my two boys if it was National Son’s Day.  But it wasn’t.  In fact, I’m not even sure it was National Daughter’s Day, because when I looked it up, I found at least five other dates to honor our daughters.

But here’s what I want to know — who decides what day is when? The Pope? Donald Trump? And more importantly, how can I get one of these days?

Because I have a few ideas for real to add to your calendar.

1) National “Yield on Left Turn” Day — when did it become ok to just cut in front of me if you’re making a left turn at a traffic light and I’m going straight?  You have to yield and you can only go after my car and anyone else behind me has passed you.  Then, you make your left when it’s open or when the light starts to turn red.  This is easy people.  No one does it anymore. It’s chaos.  Side note: My friend Nikki informs me that this is called a Massachusetts Left, but also that she never does it. Which leads me to…

Cat Rage!

Cat Rage!

2) National “Road Rage” Day — don’t worry, I’m not arguing that people ram into each other or get out of their cars and shoot each other.  On my day, after someone cuts you off, you can politely pull along side of them and express your displeasure with their driving.  Maybe they were on their phone and not paying attention. No violence, no shouting, just two people working on their “how to have a difficult conversation” skills.  Then they say thank you for the feedback and you get back in your car and take a deep breath.  Which leads me to…

3) National “You Better Say Thank You if I Hold Open the Door” Day — If I’m walking out of Starbucks and I hold the door for you, it’s mandatory that you say thank you or at least give a head nod.  If not, I get to scream “YOU’RE WELCOME” loud enough for you and everyone else in the store to hear, not just like now when I whisper it to myself.  And by whisper I mean just loud enough for you to think you heard me say it.  And this goes for when I’m driving too — if I let you in my lane, you better fucking wave.  Which leads me to…

4) National “Go F*ck Yourself” Day — Today is the day that you get one “get out of jail free” card and can tell anyone you want to go fuck themselves with absolutely no ramifications.  A boss, co-worker, even your five-year-old son who just told you he hates you. Any way…anywhere…any time.  But beware, that person can say it right back to you…as long as they haven’t already used up their allotment. No more pent up frustration, no more passive-aggressive actions, just three words, shout it loud and clear and move on with your day.  Which leads me to…

5) National “Stun Gun” Day — Come on, we’ve all wanted to try it.  I’m not being callous here, nor advocating for misuse or violence, but every now and then, a Go Fuck Yourself isn’t going to work.  The person in front of you at Starbucks acts like they have never seen the menu before and then orders six frappuccinos.  On line at Safeway and the person in front of you brings 16 items into the 15 or less express line. Stun them.  Quick.   And if you’re nice, pay for their groceries when they recover.  Everybody wins.  Which brings me to…

6) National “Gun” Day — oh wait, that already exists…everyday…Which brings me to…

7) National “Congress Has to Do Something” Day – on this day, the Congress has to pass just one bill that will help people…maybe even save some lives in the process. They can’t leave the Capitol until they have a bill with bi-partisan support (it’s going to be a really long day). And we all get to watch it. Which brings me to…

8) National “You’re a Fraud” Day — Kim Davis, Donald Trump, that Duggar guy, this guy …you’re all frauds.  And yet…and yet…you get to continue to be a fraud and not only do you get away with it, but you become famous for it and/or make money off it.  It stops now.  On this day, the rest of us get to vote on whether you are a fraud or not.  If you lose, you go away…forever…and ever.  Which brings me to…

No caption necessary

No caption necessary

9) National “Nothing Goes Viral” Day — parents doing a parody, a dad holding an umbrella over a kid like he’s supposed to, a parent’s note to their kid, a waitress gets a big tip, a “you’re not going to believe this” wedding photo — nothing should go viral that was specifically created to go viral.  Viral comes from the word virus right?  And, so many of the viral stories turn out to be fake that who even knows what’s real or not anymore.  Which leads me to…

10) National “Hero” Day — no, not Subway.  Real heroes.  Every day heroes.  They should go viral.  Sometimes they do.   Which leads me to.

A bonus day…”Call That Person You Never Have Time to Call” Day — I just re-connected with a high school friend — a really close friend — who I haven’t spoken with in about 20 years.  We should have re-connected years ago.  We didn’t miss a beat.  As I get older, I really try to tell people what they mean to me. Not every day, that’s weird. But every once in a while it’s ok to let someone know that you really like them.

Ok — got to run.  It’s National Fire Pup Day today…and National Homemade Cookies Day.

Do dalmatians like chocolate chip cookies?

 

Photo courtesy of: https://www.flickr.com/photos/pdxdj/

Photo courtesy of https://www.flickr.com/photos/kazvorpal/

 

 

 

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