Earlier this month a mom in the UK — who as far as I can tell isn’t an expert on either children or flying — took to the airwaves and said that kids should be banned from planes. Twitter erupted, and journalists and bloggers everywhere immediately had a topic for the week. “Is it really necessary,” she asked, “to take a baby on a long flight? I think there’s an element of selfishness from parents who insist on not changing their lifestyle once they have children because there are some things that just aren’t practical.”
I couldn’t agree more. Children are absolutely an impractical nuisance. If you’re selfish enough to have kids, don’t be even more selfish by exposing the rest of us to them. That makes you selfish AND rude. Whitney (may she rest in peace) said the children are our future, but she didn’t say we should let them ruin the present.
Do you remember the time you had a big presentation to make just hours after your cross-country flight landed? You weren’t going to miss your Zumba class to work on your slides so you figured that the 5-hour flight was a perfect time to put it together. You checked online twice to ensure you had an aisle seat. You were cutting it close, but you work better when the pressure is on. Your Powerpoint is all set up, template ready. You’re right about to decide whether to throw down a “synergy” or “leverage” and BAM, the little twerp behind you kicks the chair, your Bose headset flies off your head, crashing into your glass of Merlot. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The crying, the whining, the smells, the endless reading of books in “mom” voice. Oh my god, they’re singing the ABCs. It’s amazing you got your presentation done by the time you had to put your seat in an upright position. Planes are where we get our best work done and all the kids do is make it so much harder. And why are they flying anyway? Woo hoo, grandma is turning 80. That family reunion? Come on, no one is going to notice that you lost 10 pounds since the last one. Ever hear of FaceTime? Use it.
Why should we stop there? After all, most people don’t fly that often. Children should be banned from everywhere that adults enjoy. It’s completely unfair that they feel they have the right to ruin what we’ve earned.
Take restaurants for example. Adults need to eat. How else would we fill up our Instagram feeds with photos of kale? Oh, and then right as we focus in on the perfect shot, we hear your kid trying to order his meal. That’s a skill that’s going to take him far. Seriously kid, how hard is it to order a hot dog? Oh, you want a salad. I’ll give you mine if you leave. Meanwhile, the waiter’s ass is in my face while he oh-so-patiently waits for your little devil to decide whether he wants lemonade or orange juice. Here’s a hint: it’s called water. Why even get him a drink, he’s going to spill it, then cry because he thinks you’re mad and all this time, he’s just watching his iPad anyway. Oh, he doesn’t like headphones, how is that my problem? And I was so busy fuming over how inconsiderate you were that the waiter took my dish away before I could snap my “after” photo. Next time just eat at home. And feel free to order from this restaurant. Everybody wins.
We have these beautiful parks, and sure enough you let your kids ruin them. Every morning following my cardio run that I oh so carefully track on my fitness band, I head to the playground for some upper body and core work, and sure enough your annoying kid is hogging up the monkey bars. How long are you going to let him try to get across? Is it really that important? I have 3 sets of 5 pull ups I need to bang out before my next conference call. And the railings by the slide are perfect for my dips, but you’re letting your little brat mess up my super set. How is that ok? Do you know how important it is for me to stay in shape? Don’t even get me started about the water fountain. Parents, it’s not a toy for your kids to make water balloons or for their dam in the sand. Let your kid play in your sink at home, I have my 64 oz steel water bottle to fill up.
And why do kids need to see movies when they first come out? Kicking my chair, spilling drinks (again) and the constant questions? Ugh. Is it really that hard to figure out how Matthew McConaughey alters the space-time continuum in Interstellar. Read a book, kid. And I’m just putting this out there now. Damned if one of these little kids is going to ruin my Star Wars: The Force Awakens experience. I remember like yesterday when the music started and the scroll to Empire Strikes Back began up the screen…oh wait. Forget that. I remember like it was yesterday flipping on my VCR and watching Empire Strikes Back for the first time with the weird static down the left side of the TV screen. It was magical to see on our little 13 inch color TV. We need to act quickly: the Force Awakens hits theaters in four months. How many signatures do we need for the White House to be forced (get it, I said forced) to respond to a “ban kids from Star Wars” petition?
Don’t even get me started about vacation. How many times have I been standing in the pool reading Malcolm Gladwell’s latest brilliant book and I can’t concentrate because some little shit is yelling and splashing all around me. And damn if he’s going to get my Nook wet. Sure, he’s in the kid pool, but it’s the only one with a good shallow end. And, I don’t want to go to the adult pool and listen to all these idiots talk about their kids. Here’s my rule instead: If I’m going to go there on vacation, then your kid shouldn’t. That’s why Hawaii has a Disney-themed resort. For you. Speaking of Disney, you’re free to take your kids there, I heard kids love long lines.
Look, I’m not anti-kid, just anti-kid for places that they don’t belong…like everywhere. I do think kids should absolutely be allowed outside their home. For school. Now that’s something I can get behind. Useful stuff happens in school like calculus and learning how to get bullied. You parents want your kids to finish in the top 10% of their class, ace their SATs and go to Stanford. And yet, you waste all of your kids’ time doing stupid things like seeing movies, going on vacation and getting all of these important life experiences. Life isn’t about that, it’s about getting into college and being successful.
You should already know that.