Birds Are Weak — My Wife Takes On The NFL Playoffs and Mascots

Over a quick date night, Amy Flood discusses bird violence, tattoos and pretty boy Tom Brady

Last Sunday night, my wife — let’s call her Amy (because that’s her name) — and I went on our semi-regular Sunday night date-night.  Sundays work best for our babysitter and we’ve actually found it works for us since we’re most tired on Sunday after a weekend with our son.  There are downsides to Sunday, mostly that shopping closes early (good plan Neil) and I miss any good football games that are on.  Amy will tell you that each week I somehow manage to find a restaurant with a TV showing the game – and she’d be correct.  So, this past week we are sitting at a new pizza place while my eyes dart past her head to check out the score.

The truth is, while I watch football, as you may have noticed from the NAME OF MY BLOG, I’m much more of a baseball guy – actually I live for baseball.  Football is just something I watch when match-ups are good or the NY Giants are playing particularly well – which means I didn’t watch a lot of football this season.

While it’s very important to me that Amy understand the true greatness of Buster Posey and Derek Jeter or why Tim Lincecum is declining because the differential between his fastball and change-up has narrowed, I don’t put any pressure on her to understand football.  All marriages have this type of give-and-take I imagine.  I replay great baseball moments and make her watch Brandon Crawford go into the hole at short (she LOVES Brandon) and in return I know that Christian Louboutin designs amazing shoes and is not a hockey player.

Part of the wonder of being married to Amy is hearing her takes on sports.  They are   always unique and entertaining.  Here’s a near verbatim conversation we had, while eating pizza, about the NFL match-ups this week.  Please note I strongly encourage you NOT to make any wagers on her picks – though she will happily take the credit if she’s right.

Green Bay Packers vs. San Francisco 49ers

“I gotta go with the Packers.  I know we live in the Bay Area but I gotta go with the Milwaukee’s Best crowd over some Merlot-drinking fans (I remind her that 49ers beat Green Bay in the season opener but that doesn’t seem to matter).  And what are Packers anyway? (At this point she grabs her iPhone to google how the Packers got their name which is here).  Oh, did you know why they are called Packers? (Me: no; that’s interesting — at this point during dinner she’s reading me the entire Wikipedia entry).  And the 49ers, that’s a strange name.  Maybe they should have been called the San Francisco Merlots…whatever.  My sister just had a baby in Wisconsin and that’s good luck so I’m going with the Packers.  And anyway, what’s with the 49ers new quarterback and all his tattoos.  I like tattoos as much as the next person but he went a bit overboard.  Aaron Rogers is just cuter in my opinion and he deserves to win.  The 49ers coach seems mean – why did he take out the other guy, what’s his name (it’s Alex Smith sweetie)?  He didn’t do anything wrong, just got a concussion right? Didn’t they go really far in the playoffs last year? I think that’s unfair to him, so they deserve to lose.”

Amy’s pick: Packers (she doesn’t understand spreads so we’re going straight up here)

Houston Texas vs. New England Patriots

Pretty boy Tom Brady

Pretty boy Tom Brady minus his supermodel wife

“I’m going Texas on this one.  (Really?  They are huge underdogs).  Isn’t it interesting that both teams use the red/white/blue colors? It’s like U.S.A. vs U.S.A. so that makes picking the winner harder.   I’m tired of the pretty boy and his super model wife.  Really, what more do they need?  And he left Bridget Moynihan who’s actually kind of prettier than Giselle and that’s just wrong, so he doesn’t deserve to win.  Too bad Eli can’t beat him again.  Remember the party we went to last year and Alex wore his Eli jersey? That was fun.  We have to get him a cute jersey this year but not if the guy with the tattoos is in the SuperBowl, but they won’t be because Green Bay is going to beat them.  Anyway, Pretty Boy gets everything he wants and the Texans seem sad with their quarterback never winning. I’m going with Texas.  They have a cool slogan, lower taxes, so let’s go with the Texans.”

Amy’s pick: Texans

Seattle Seahawks vs. Atlanta Falcons

“This is a tough one because it’s bird-on-bird violence. (WTF?)  Falcons…Seahawks… I don’t get why so many teams have birds as mascots…birds are weak. Who likes birds, besides our son?   Seriously, how tough can you be with a bird as your mascot?  Eagles, Cardinals, I like the teams from the mid-west…is that the Central Division?  Bears, Lions, Bengals, Panthers those are some tough animals.  Vikings are cool.  Don’t even get me started about fish mascots unless you’re like a shark or a killer whale….remember that shark we saw in Hawaii in the pond at the hotel named Bruce? Do you think he’s ok? (I have no idea sweetie).  I hope he’s out there doing ok.  Do you think they let him back into the ocean too soon?  And the teams with Native American mascots like the Redskins, no surprise there that the Braves always lose and RGIII tore up his knee.  You can’t expect good things to happen if you’re disrespectful like that.  Who comes up with these mascot names anyway?

But seriously, Cardinals?  Can you give your team a weaker name?  And are there even Cardinals in Arizona?  If they’re going to use a bird, shouldn’t it be some type of bird that likes cactus?  I don’t like snakes but at least the Diamondbacks fit the area (she just switched sports).  But, I’ll tell you something, Neil (Amy often uses my name when she wants to emphasize something) there’s nothing worse than the St. Louis Cardinals – seriously, they have two Cardinals sitting on a bat on their uniform, is that the dumbest thing ever?  No wonder the Giants beat them – they were probably too embarrassed by the “birds on a bat” shirts that they couldn’t focus.  Man, that’s the worst, I actually feel bad for them.  Well, we had Buster Posey anyway, and Marco Scutaro…remember when you didn’t talk to me for an entire season because you thought I jinxed Mariano Rivera and Scutaro hit a walk off homer off him, guess I knew something about Scutaro, huh?

You gotta take the Falcons here – much cooler bird since I’m forced to pick one of the birds.  I’m worried that the Seahawks will be too busy drinking coffee, talking about the environment and listening to Pearl Jam.  Atlanta is a much tougher town, they ain’t playing around, plus better bird so gotta go with the Falcons. “

Amy’s pick: Falcons


Amy just completely lost it

Baltimore Ravens vs. Denver Broncos

“This one is tough because even though birds are weak, they can always beat a horse just by flying away.  Did you know that Peyton has played for two teams with a horse as a mascot?  Do you think he thinks about that? He’s going to have issues if he goes to another team.  Is there another horse team?  Maybe he can just go to any team with a large mammal and that will be ok for him.  I bet he hates bird teams.   He’s had a great year though, coming back from neck surgery.  I think that surprised a lot of people.  Maybe Eli should get his neck checked out. My only worry here for the Broncos is that I lived in Baltimore for four years and that’s one tough town. What’s up with Ray Lewis anyway?  That dance – really?  And I don’t get that everyone loves him even though he killed someone and Barry Bonds just took some drugs and everyone hates him.  That doesn’t seem fair. I mean really, Neil, do we really care about steroids and who makes the Hall of Fame?  But at the end of the day, I just can’t go for a Raven who eats dead animals and Edgar Allen Poe was overrated so I gotta go Peyton and the Broncos. Horse over bird Neil.

Amy’s pick: Broncos

There you have it from the expert.

I had three thoughts during this time.

1)   Can I eat her pizza slices too

2)   Can’t wait for her predictions on the AL East (2 birds, one fish, and one team named after smelly clothing – looks like my Yankees have it wrapped up)

3)   I love my wife

Enjoy the games everyone.

Photo courtesy of Flickr/Sarah Milford
Photo courtesy of Flickr/Beth Hart

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